How to find an agent, publish your novel, and survive a bear attack.

Two bears playing in my yard...

Inevitably when talking with other working writers, aspiring writers, and people thinking about someday aspiring to aspire to write a novel, the question arises,  "So how did you find your agent?"
Of course upon hearing this I smile and/or grin, as if I hold the golden key, the silver bullet, the answer to what that strange gelatinous material in Spam actual is --- when in fact the smile and/or cheesy grin comes from my lack of an answer that will really be of much help for folks...surely a kid from the tundra who landed a killer agent has a secret to share...surely there is some story that accompanies how I managed to pull that off...surely I would be willing to share that secret, if such a secret existed.  People who know me, know that if such an answer existed, I would share it ---- free of charge.
In short, I don't have an answer that will solve this age old conundrum that writer's face.  I just don't. I currently know one writer who has written the best novel I have read in the last ten years and he's having a helluva time even locating an agent willing to read it.  That is bummer news, I know, but this is the world that we writer's face. The good news is that he will find an agent and he will publish that novel and will go on to a writing career that many dream of, and one of these days agents will be calling him. 
The part of my story that might be worth sharing is the hours of work I put into researching agents willing to take new writers, and then putting in the hours to send out emails.  I wish I said I mailed out hundreds of letters, but I didn't --- I exclusively used email. I didn't want to work with an agent who required mailing. At the time I lived in rural Alaska and I knew I wouldn't be able to handle the lag time of waiting for (and receiving) rejection letters.  Rejection email isn't as tangible and, for me at least, not so painful.  Then there is the expense of mailing.  Hence, my choice for agents who accepted email queries.
The next step was to craft a killer letter. One that showed my voice, my style, my subject matter, and at the same time conveyed my stunning good looks.  This took some work. (Mostly because I lack style, voice, and subject matter.)
The rejections began to flood my in-box.  I told each one I deleted they would regret rejecting me and I sent them into the digital ether.  Then one agent replied.  My non-fiction manuscript on unleashing creativity, a theory I had crafted during my own teaching and writing experience, would be great if I was actually an expert in the field.  Being an expert on the tundra meant little.  He was, however, interested to know if I had anything else.  And, like every great aspiring writer, I had a novel I was working on.  I pitched it to him. Then emailed him all twenty pages.  And was summarily rejected ---- but he indicated he liked the writing and if I ever had anything else to let him know. 
Four years later I did, and he signed me.

So you see, I don't have that answer about how to find an agent any more than I have the answer about how to survive a bear attack. Perhaps I could teach you more about how to survive a bear attack.  There is a certain body position one takes when actually being attacked by a brown or grizzly bear. You drop to the ground in a ball and cover your neck by clasping your hands together at the base of your skull, staying on your knees and bracing yourself with your elbows.  In this way you play dead and protect your vitals.   There is a metaphor in there somewhere.  Just remember that playing dead might get you through a bear attack, but I guarantee it won't get you an agent.