Three Easy Steps to Getting Published

If you follow these three easy steps you will surely get published.

1. Write a brilliant novel.  Not just any novel, but one that is an instant classic, a page turner, a tear jerker, and most importantly just like The Davinci Code, complete with a conspiracy theory and complex, yet simple, codes. (And some sex, but not too much --- unless you want to publish a romance novel, in which case you need three sex scenes per paragraph, minimum.)

2. Find an even more brilliant agent to sell said brilliant novel.  This is easy. Once you've written a brilliant novel, agents will be busting down your door.  For Alaskans, this causes problems, because the front door is often not used, or is the first door to what we call an arctic entry --- when this is busted then animals will come in and steal the other animals that you have killed and plan on eating during winter. (Don't say I didn't warn you!)

3. Sit back whilst your brilliant agent sells your brilliant novel to an even more brilliant editor at a major publishing house.

You must complete the process in order, one...two...three.  Two and three can not happen without step one.  Rinse and repeat after you've blown all the money from your first advance.

So there you have it.  A three step plan to getting published.  Idiot proof. (And/or completely idiotic.)

Any questions?  No?  Now, if you're ready to sign the paperwork, one of my YK Delta friends has a icebox and some oceanfront property to sell you...